What moves me? What moves you?

Someone asked me some time ago why do I write?  What motivates me to get up in the morning and want to write what I can? I thought about this question a lot over the past couple of weeks and now I believe I am ready to answer it.

When he asked me the question "why do I write", what he was really asking about is the motivation in my heart. What moves me so to speak? There is a difference in those two questions. The first question just wants reasons why I decided to write in the first place but the latter question wants to know why I pick up my pen or type on my keyboard everyday.

Now, if you want to know why I started to write in the first place, it's because I wanted to organize the truth in my head. So many things happen to a person and no one contain all those events without fail. I want to make sure I have my life in some sort of order even if it is on paper.

Now if you are asking what moves me, that question is a little harder to answer. I want to say it has to do with the monthly check. Though I am grateful for every person that reads or enjoys my columns on Examiner and here on my blog, I don't have that large of a following to where I am paying the rent yet. Honestly,  I am passionate about the subjects that I share to the public. I write about gay issues and relationships. Though I am not the best editor in the world, I have received compliments from some individuals that told me "They get it." They understand where I am coming from. A misspelled word here and comma out of place there, is not acceptable but it does not detour people from the message I am honored to give.

That messages has to do with gay community receiving all the respect due to us and stopping the cancer of prejudice even within our own ranks. And yes, we all know there is prejudice within our own gay gay community against each other and I want to show a different way. I want us to receive the rights and not make the deaths of all the gay people that have suffered in vain and is neither impossible nor over-dramatic. Gay teen suicide, gay bashing, harassment and HIV is not over-dramatic but real.

When it comes to my blogs, I am moved by understanding life. I write to put understanding to order. I want to know and understand. I see things a little different than most and that does not make me unusual. Writing to every person here and on my blog The Illiterate Tripe gives me a conduit to move knowledge through back and forth both ways. To know that you have read mt work and that you enjoy what you read, is power  There is nobody on the planet appreciates that more than me and hopefully thank you is accurate enough to express that appreciation.

I should be careful that everyone I see isn't gay

Lately everyone I see is gay. I don't know why I have not noticed it or was not aware of some of my actions. I was taking a walk just a couple of days ago and saw this guy walking on the other side of the road. I noticed from a distance that he nice looking but I have a thing for rednecks and country boys anyway.


I was walking down the street breaking my neck to get a good glimpse of this guy is when I caught myself speaking out loud. I was saying things like "damn he is fine" with no care in the world or no hint of caution. Now you have to remember, my hometown of Aiken SC is not the best place in the world for a gay person to exhibit their pride and feeling. It is nothing like when I am in Atlanta. Thing are more free there and people are not so uptight. I suppose just because I live in Atlanta half of the time does not mean I should be halfway cautious. In fact the same street where I was walking reminded me of another incident that happened when I was young. 

I was walking home from the barber shop and I was on Vaucluse Rd about to turn right onto Church St. That's when this truck came speeding down the hill. Two white guys were leaning out the window and they yelled the word "nigger" at me a few times. They never stopped. I saw them speed further down the street until they reached the other side of the hill. I guess my feet were stuck in place because when I finally wrapped my head around what happened I turned on Church St and ran up the very very steep hill with all my energy. 


I never told anybody what happened to me that morning. Hell, I don't have any clue why I am writing it now except for the fact that I should have been more discreet in my actions the other day. If that unknown guy heard me making those comment he could have attacked or taken me into the nearby park to slit my throat. It has happened with other gay people before why not now? 


Funny how feelings put your mind back in past places and scenes. I was not scared just a little fearful after I made those comments like some construction worker catcalling a hot mamma passing by. But it was the right place, time and person which helped me remember. Memories, such a great thing huh?

My raw canvas of expression

So, if you have not checked out my blog of expression called "The Illiterate Tripe" please do so. I always said I am a decent writer just a terrible editor. I have misspelled words and thing out of place in my writing sometimes but when I am writing on pure emotion and feeling; I just can't wait to get the energy out.

Everyday I am discovering how much I really love to write. I am quite honored that people enjoy my articles on Examiner. I am passionate about unifying the gay community and uplifting us to the status of equality that is owed a long time ago by this country.

When I talk about unity in regards to the LGBT community, I don't see white gay, black guy or any division of gay that keeps us separated. In this fight for what we believe in as a gay nation, our enemies don't stand against us because of the color of our skin. They dislike us because we are gay and on that same premise we should be able to unite.

These concepts I try to express at every opportunity I possibly can. I do it in my poems, in my articles and in my life. When I think about it, writing moves me to do this. If I have a pen in my hand or a keyboard underneath my fingers, I have power. I can help shape this world and I don't want to waste the chance for my life to mean something.

Let's all remember that our lives have purpose and that goes for every last one of us. Everyone needs a canvas to express the meaning of the life they live. Think of misspelled words as mistakes on way to expression. I am happy that imperfect forms exist because who said perfect is what I wanted to be.

I hope I am keeping my promise to be better

So this is my friend Bryan. I talk about him in post and he runs his own blog called "Uncle B's Corner" which you can should read if you want to get the same cool spiritual advice I have received all these years.

You know I go through lots of things that I want to say nobody should go through but I can't. You play the hand that is dealt to you through life and expect everything from the worse to the better part of the spectrum. Through his own life, even to this day, he is living proof that perspective and philosophy can overcome the challenging of woes.

I have known Bryan for close to nine years and still don't understand know what to expect from him expect that there is no challenge he won't face with eyes open and attitude adjusted. He understands people which is  a gift I wish I had more of.

I remember I was so mad one time that I left out of his house and made it as far as the curb between his SUV and another car. He could not see where I was but he found me. It was like he had a homing beacon knowing exactly where I was at. It has always been like that  between him and I. I have to admit, I am glad he knows where to find me because sometimes I get lost.

I write articles, I write blogs and I never thought I'm good at writing. He always told me "Greg you should be writing." It's because of him that I am taking a break from technology for a moment to see if I can do this writing thing justice. I have never been a big writer meaning, I have always felt that one of the principles of how I write is to 'tell it like it is'. He inspired me to create reality novellas. I want to tell my story my way mistakes and all. My writing is to the point and straight from the hip. It was Bryan who taught me that stories don't have to have happy ending but an inspiring journey. That is what Bryan is to me, an inspiring quest to understand. I am proud that he wanted me to go on this journey with him.

"Why me?" is such a silly question isn't it?

Why me?  I am sure that over time that question has been asked by every rational being in the cosmos. When do we really ask ourselves this question? I guess mostly when we find ourselves on the funny end of tragedy spectrum that nobody wants to find themselves on. So we sit around asking ourselves "Why me?"

I am sitting her looking at The Black Atheist of Atlanta and I want to clear something up about some things said. I enjoy watching these two brothers really tackle issues in the black community from their perspective. Now I don't take to their stance of being against homosexuality and how they express there opinions about the subject but I don't have a problem with them communicating their values.

This is one thing about being gay we all must understand.  It's just like LZ Granderson and his speech about the secret gay agenda. The agenda was so secret that gay people did not know it was but we were confused when people communicated about the topic. The reason we were confused because we first fell into the trap that there was something to look for because heterosexual individuals were so passionate about the subject.

So as a gay community, we must understand that have to stop asking the silly question "Why me?" especially when all some people wish to do is communicate their view and we must be bold enough to stop looking for something that is not there. Some people will always have a problem with us existing but that does not mean we have the problem just because they are passionate and diligent about their point of view. And, we have to stop labeling everybody as homophobic just because they have a issue with being gay.  Long as they don't stand in the way of the rights that due to all gay people then we don't have a problem but since the black community has not felt the full force of equality we both should be on the same page.

I don't know why this issue is on my mind. I was thinking that these two individuals really drop informative knowledge and really understand enough about African spirituality to relate it to themselves and their lives. It just happens to be that homosexuality is not part of their life system. Well heterosexuality is not part of my life system  because I can only be who I am and strong enough to carry that type of spirit within me. That is the type of unity and knowledge I want to share with my gay community which all gay people that read this blog.

I am watching Dr Drew again

Ok, it is no secret I am a crush on Dr. Drew on HLN which will never be fulfilled because his wife looks like she can cut a bitch. That still does not stop me from fantasizing and enjoying the show as a whole. I have been watching Dr Drew since Loveline and Adam Corolla so on MTV so I remember the good ole' days.

The reason I am bringing this up is Dr. Drew is talking about plastic surgery and I am looking at the pictures of this black chick and her booty is out of control. I am not trying to pick at anyone but this girl named Vanity Wonder, she is injecting her ass with stuff that I am sure God did not intend to go in her.

And I am not trying to judge because God knows I am not the best looking in the world but looks fade.  I got news for all the beautiful people. There is a lot more of us than there are of you. I feel for this poor girls situation because she regrets her decision but at least she does not want anyone else to feel self-degraded as she once did.

Looks is a subject I don't think about because I hold my own beauty in my own eyes. And I don't talk about the beauty that you can see. I am speaking about the the boundless intangible beauty that you have to see with your third eye and feel with your spirit. When looks leave us all this wondrous beauty is the thing that will be left and it is like soul or class. If you have to ask about it, you just don't have it. I would rather have my inward beauty than my physical beauty any day of the week.

Gay Male Sex

For the last five days I have been writing about sex in my relationship column. I mean let's face it, sex is an important part of a relationship but have we forgotten that a sexual relationship is a genuine relationship as well. I did not have a gay sex handbook when I came to grips with my sexuality. That would have been nice.

Basically, I have been laying it out straight for all those men out there that have not experienced or have little experience with gay sex. Hell, I developed sexually late in life and still paying the price for it to this day. There are so many things that I have to learn and just have not been exposed to in this world that I wish I could have.

The main thing I stress is that a lot of gay men lie about there HIV or STI status. A wise man once told me that you have to assume that every man has something and take precaution if you don't want to catch anything. Some of the wisest sexual advice I ever came across. The second best advice is to look after your sexual partner because they are part of the same community and you don't want to bring down the community as a whole.

When writing these last few articles I have been reminiscing in my head about my encounters and I came to the conclusion I could use more practice but that will come in time. I have lots of work to do and goals to reach and money to earn and who am I kidding. Things just happen in their own time I guess.

So, I follow the advice from the 90's coming out movie "Get Real"...."So that is sex really, find someone to do it with, find someplace to do it and it is easy.  Except when you are my age it is not that easy." Amen brother!! 16 to 34 sex is supposed to be a little easier when you get older. I guess I have lots of growing up to do.

Silly question where does time go

I was just thinking, isn't it a silly question...Where does time go? I know where it goes. It happens all at the same point, at the same moment, in linear space but we still miss it. When we ask that question, what we are really asking ourselves is "Where did my life go?" That is the question relative to everyone. Whether we have millions dollars or a pauper on the street, everyone alive ask that question of themselves at one time.

There is no shame in that fact. In fact, a wise man once told me that "Life will always give you more questions that answers." That is how it is supposed to be. When you come down to it, that answer can be submitted for every question on the planet.

"Why am I here? Because that is how it is supposed to be"

But no man with a shred of pride or logic will take that as a definite answer. I know this and every person that ever questioned the meaning of existence knows this. "There is no regret in asking a simple question of the cosmos."  The Doctor said. I used to watch "Dr. Who" when I was a boy. I fantasized about being him and knowing different things, seeing different things and just wanting to understand.

How we come full circle, you know. I am still a boy in a way. I love cartoons, I still drink kool-aid, I still watch Dr. Who and I still get hurt. I never said in my life that life does not hurt me, I just said "We all are used to it." Is that a messed up general statement or what? How can I speak for everyone? I guess in all things I want to relate to everyone else through the one thing that makes us human. Our pain....

Another wise man once told me "The best comedy comes from the worst tragedy." We see great tragedy in life and laugh because it is not us in the mist of the storm. But everybody must laugh sometime in laugh which means our turn on stage eventually dawns us. So all you linear beings out there, just be you and remember that everybody has to be funny sometime in their lives.

I am ok and I am not

I am ok and I am not. How is that for confusion? Sometimes I want to be powerful and sometimes I don't want to have the strength to do anything. There is no big mystery to it, I am just tired of the rut I easily find myself in sometimes. Recently I have just been told I am very angry and really I am just numb. Again, no big mystery.

I guess this sudden perception of my behavior comes from the fact that I don't want to fight a battle right now. Now, that is different than paying my dues or putting in work. I am always ready to put in work when the time comes. Sometimes you have to put your so-called sorrow to the side and kick in your share like a man but battling right now is something I don't feel like doing.

I don't feel like battling my demons, battling my past, battling any people that want to call me enemy and I especially don't feel like battling life.  Beside, more battles are on the way I am sure of it. With this book I have coming out and the articles that I do, I am sure there will be plenty of discord to settle. Peace is a wonderful thing. My advice to you is to have as much of it as possible when possible.

I am not complaining or ranting. In fact I was contemplating if I was going to tell everyone that I feel like being someone else sometimes but there is nothing wrong with my life expect for a few improbable issues that always seem to catch me up. Funny, improbability that happens all the time is nothing more than very possible on the cusp of usually.

No, one said that my life was boring except me and boy I could stand a little action right about now. For now, I will start to write more about what I want to happen to me rather than what has happened to me. I can do that at least until this book finally makes its appearance from Publish America. I am staring at my symbolic $1 with pride right now and I tell you what; that dollar looks like a million to me right now.

Want to make a movie?

Ok, so this is an all-call meaning that I could use some help on a project. My friend Bryan just wrote a great post dealing with the lack of conversation about HIV these days and how the new generation of gay individuals coming out could really use the info. http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com  Actually he hit on a lot of topics from the DL black community to empathy dealing with this situation.

Of course I love to write just like Bryan and I have a movie idea I would like to see brought to life. The only problem is I have never written a movie or know nothing about what it takes to make a movie, but I have a title in my head and a loving story in my heart that encompasses all that facets my friend is trying to express.

So, this is a simple post. If you would like to talk and I mean seriously talk about making a movie that deals with our times, our culture, our love and our struggles contact me at soswirl@gmail.com or call me at 678-509-3740.  Like I said, I know nothing about putting a movie together but I have heart and soul. I promise I will put in as much energy as anyone is willing to put into this idea. 

IT IS WORTH IT

Why do I feel like Arnold from 'Different Strokes'

"What you talking about Willis?"  That is exactly how I feel today. I know that I am seeing certain things unfold and I have no way of stopping them, but the only thing I can say is "What the hell are you talking about?"  Why do train tracks always got to have someone with a truck that don't see the flashing lights or hear the damn horn of the train, to stall on the tracks just to get smashed by that same train.

Yes, I am being a little dramatic, but give credit where credit is due. At least this time I am smart enough to see the rail arms come down to avoid me of crash instead of plunging head first into the gate. You probably are thinking "What the hell is he talking about?"  Good question and if i had a definite answer for you then I would definitively tell you.  

You know how you just get this feeling that something drastic or tragic may happen and I am not talking about deathly tragic. I am just talking about that high-minded insight that kicks in to let you know you that life is about to try and kick your ass again.  Or it could be just conditioning and caution. When it happens my one million best friends will be the first to know.

Here is a question that changes the beat of the whole post. How many times does someone have to be called crazy before someone gets the hint they are not crazy?  It takes only one time.  Write a book about it and make a million bucks. That is all the times it takes. 

Thank you to my friend Bryan

You know I pride myself of saying what I want to say but I must admit I did not how to explain about my last encounter with my partner or whatever he is supposed to be right now. I know what I want him to be. I want him to be with me but it is obvious that it won't work unless I get myself on top of my game. That means in a place where I am taking care of myself by my own power with my own sweat and work. Someone that wants the best for me will work with me and see me to being the best I possibly can be. But more than that, I feel like I have been done wrong so many times but I just did not want to rock the boat or whine like a little baby about everything.

Bryan had more courage to tell part of my story than I ever did because I did not want known as the stupid one that finds himself in the same dis-empowering situation and don't have the sense to know any better. Everything Bryan said is true http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/06/games-that-people-play.html.   I want to say thank you to him. 

I love him very much but I am not anyone's punching bag or sad sob entertainment story. If I have to be by myself to get that point across to myself then so be it. Being by myself again does not scare me. I just wanted my partner to be proud of me as I am of myself. Nobody's perception of me shapes my own perspective of myself. I am sure someone wants me to believe that I am a bad person, but with all the games that people play, it would be nice if people have the courage to tell me to my face. 

That is the game that Bryan speaks of. I know what kind of person I am and nobody on this planet will make me feel differently about myself no matter how many times I fail. Yes, I fail and sometimes I fail miserably but true character is not gained through the power of success but it is how we handle failure and I would say that I handle it quite well. 

I want to move mountains

I am back in the swing of things. I got out three articles today and have a whole lot more to catch up on. While I was trying to make my relationship work, a gay nation went without "The Voice of Resistance".  That is what I like to call myself when it comes to gay issues. In fact that is what a lot of people like to call me. Some people really believe that I am against the progress being made this year for gay rights but the only thing I am questioning are the motives of the people that want to help the cause. Nobody does anything for free.

I don't resist everything. For example, I would not resist some good loving right about now. Maybe that is too much information, but saying what I feel has always been a strong suit of mine. The bottom line is that you can't move mountains keeping your mouth shut. I wish everything I had to say was worth two cents but the fact of the matter is not everything I write or express is not worth a plum nickel until I am able to add some more value into the mix. Resistance comes at a price.

I don't intentionally mean to be such a pain in the ass but to tell you the truth it is just as an important job as being an asshole. Assholes are needed in the world just like a big pain in the ass. We keep things honest or we are the worlds punching bag one of the two. If that last statement is true then we were designed to take punishment and pain.

So put me up there with Howard Stern and Fred Sandford. We got a lot of laughs to go and I have a lot of fist-work to take.

Never Understand

I am listening to my boy Kerrion's song "Never Understand".  Check it out on Myspace and represent your boy if you like the song.  But like I was saying, I am so disappointed in myself. I so wanted this time in Atlanta to work out.You know, maybe it is silly of me to dwell on the past no matter how recent or distant the event is but I never wanted anything in my life to work out more than my relationship. Now, I have something that I want more than I ever thought possible. No matter how my life turns out, I want to be more than I never dreamed.  And yes, I said that right, I never really dreamed past the stars and I now I want that.

It is silly that at 34yo I now have a dream of becoming a writer that touches people. Not even a great writer just a writer that has the ability to move people. That takes talent, you know. Something I am afraid I may not have. Is it politically correct to not fake it till you make it. Is it crazier for a tech geek, turned writer to write about his fear of not having talent to touch people in a real way?

Now I am listening to Ella Fitzgerald "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered" which I know many will find nostalgic but I believe is right on time. I guess this hodgepodge of thoughts and accounts is the silent ranting of a man that just wants to understand. It would be nice to have someone give the simple answer I am looking for or give the simple love that endures.

But God, I ask to please give me the talent and skill to do something special and move people in a powerful way.

All is well that ends hell part three

First, thank you to everyone that enjoy the nonsense and rhetoric I like to call "The Illiterate Tripe". I like writing poems, short stories or any piece of written work that express how one feels. The trick to all this expression is the sharing. I want everyone to share any piece of literary work that you have no matter how stupid, crazy or dumb you may think it is.  If you believe your work is tripe just bring it on over and I will post it here with your name on it. What many people may not see, a few bright eyed individuals will feel what you are writing. I guarantee it.

Second, it is hard to get back into the swing of things. I need to get back into my column that hopefully does a great job of preaching gay unity. That is important to me. I feel that the gay community does not have the type of unity the black community has shown during times of struggle for rights and freedoms. I dedicate myself to accepting every gay person and supporter in the gay community that want to see our rights be established. 


In other words, those that want for me the same happiness as they want for themselves are my family and I will stand up for my family and fight for my family. 


Change is not a terrible thing but it is interesting when you have to go with the flow. I want everyone that is close to me to have nothing but productive lives that benefit so many but in the end we have to learn to take care of ourselves. Now, I am not saying that we must be selfish and only think of self. I am saying that stability comes from a strong centered foundation that I am learning about everyday. It is hard to be there for others when you can't be there for yourself so learning how to build one's foundation is a must but don't be selfish and keep the secret to yourself. Learn, grow and share that will be key elements of unified family. If it is within my ability, I won't teach a hungry man just how to fish but I will make sure they don't have to fish alone.

I said that I was never really a dreamer but I am seeing that dreams are more than just abstract pictures in your noggin. They are the things we hold dear to us that have the probability of coming true. except this time; I want my dreams to be everyone's golden reality.

All is well that ends hell part two

Well, here I am, day two out of the the hospital and things seem less hazy than they were a few days ago.  I am up and about, more optimistic and feel ready to get back on the horse called life I think. I know there are things that are unclear when I write like this and I promise I am going to explain everything to all you readers out there. It is hard to recall emotional and physical ills that happen to you because you don't want to believe that life really stood still for a moment just to put you in a bind where you had to be rescued from.

One of the main things that I want everyone to know is that since I am no longer in a relationship I am cutting out the "My Big Gay Boyfriend" portion of this blog and replacing it was something I like to call "The Illiterate Tripe". I want to showcase more of my writings in any form I choose whether it be poems, stories or songs in my head. I don't care how messed, how many misspelled words you see at first, or how unorthodox it may look; expression is just like love or truth, it is in the eye of the one beholding.

Also if anyone out there wants to share their writing or wants to join me in a book I am writing I would welcome your help. I don't care how stupid you think your work is or how many times someone downs what you have created, that is the type of work that I sincerely welcome to have along side of mine. This whole book is about expression and that no one has the door locked on what moves people.


 "Life moves me so I decided to return the favor." Gregory Kelley


Last, I am still a little dazed up from all the stuff they gave me in the hospital but make no mistake, one of the things that is not confused is my diligence to supporting my LGBT community and telling it like it is. I don't care who or what says differently. I am dedicated to the gay relationship even if I don't have one of my own and hopefully all of you can learn from the mistakes that I have made.

All well that ends hell

I apologize to everyone for not posting in a week or so and also let me apologize if this post turns out to be illiterate tripe. I just got out of the hospital and also lost a relationship that I should have let go along time go but that is how love is.

Let me say that I  neither care who's fault it is nor do I care who did what to whom.  I was past all that a long time ago as I was hoping to make a new start with my ex-boyfriend of now. With all the things that has happened to me within the last few days I just want to wish him well and leave the conversation about that situation at that.

You know there are a few things I want to reminisce on that really blows my mind. My friend Bryan tried to tall me better but I would not listen and I am not just talking about relationships, I am talking about life. I just wanted to have a life that means something, you know.  I never wanted to get caught up in so much drama or melodramatic mess. I just wanted my life to have some smooth edges to it but never wanted to cut anybody like a razor. I always saw myself in a relationship and life with someone that gives a damn about what happens to me and not wandering because I had no destination to go go.

There is a large part of me that wonders "What did I do to deserve what I recently endured?"  I have decided to take my time and make sure I get the events rights because the last week and a half feels like a blur, but the ending up in a hospital part went by in slow motion. I just wanted to blog and let everyone know I am ok, I think and now it looks like I am single again. It is not the scariest thing in the world but it is better than being the sucker or an all day lollipop.