Rants of a gay introvert about feeling black and gay

So I just came back from a retreat which was very informative this weekend to any person in the black gay community. If you know anything about me or keep up with my blog, I stay myself.  Now when I mean I stay to myself  keep to myself; between Aiken and Atlanta, which I split my living situation between both towns. I don't go out too much and I am guarded about spending lots of time around people. Especially now that I am becoming a "little" more well known.

Now, I looked up the word introvert to see if maybe I fall into that category. I keep to myself, isolate myself somewhat and just feel it is easier in guarding who I am. I don't have many friends but I have many people that claim to know the real me. That is how my life has been from childhood to now.

Now we get to the this weekend which was very insightful from a black centric point of view. There was a question of my personal connection to the black community as a gay man. I was to rate that connection on a scale from 1 to 10. This question started my electrons to fire because I know that many people has taken certain previewed aspects of my life and may get the wrong impression that I am not for my own people. One of those perceptions could come from my shyness and introversion.

Basically what I am writing here is that I really never learned to interact with people on a social level. I am learning that skill now, in my 30's, to become more comfortable in being around people especially my own black community. Stowing yourself away in isolation is not learning to deal and connect with people in the world. It surely is not the way to secure your person and yourself as a person.

For years I had not been apart of any community. Keeping to myself has ruined that natural connection that I should have especially with my own people, black and gay. That is why I dig deep into activism and advocacy. Nothing should be able to bring a community together more than solving the problems we all face together.

I guess the reason all of this has come up now is because I just got a sample of how young black gay men view the black gay community. A lot of the descriptive words were negative and it was not that the sample group I was around consciously believes all the descriptions given. It was the fact that when asked about black and gay and community these negative connotations were the first thing that came to the minds of the younger black gay generations I was accompanied with. I will write more about it later because this part of my weekend education did disturb me a little.